Children first – follow up

After the publication of the article Children first many reactions through my website showed that there is still a serious need for the attention towards a child dealing or having dealt with a divorce or separation.

On the same day that the Dutch foundation ‘Young heroes’ brought the importance of support and guidance of children and youngsters after the event of death of a family member or a divorce/separation to the attention on the worldwide web with their websites ‘parents of young heroes’ and ‘for young heroes’ (both only in Dutch), there was also sad news about a 12 year old boy in Belgium who had committed suicide because of his parents’ divorce.

With her campaign ‘What you say in a divorce can mark a child forever’ SIRE, the Dutch foundation for idealistic commercials answered this call: paying more attention to these children.

A divorce brings a lot of hassle. Reality shows that a good financial settlement is priority number one.

From my point of view people first need to be able again to communicate with each other, whether or not with mediation. A good communication is a requirement for a good completion of the divorce in every respect, especially when children are involved.

When parents divorce a good reciprocal communication contributes enormously to the child dealing with and accepting the divorce. Possible harmful effects of the divorce on the child’s future life can me limited this way.

A good communication between the separated parents can prevent fights in the presence of the child, can create conditions to provide the child clarity and the child can count on the love and support of both parents. Advice that SIRE campaign also shares.

Just like bringing in experts for the financial settlement of the divorce, there is also a possibility to bring in the help of an expert for the guidance of the parent and their child in divorce.

Not only what is said during a divorce but especially what is done as a divorced parent can mark the child.

Yesterday I had a dinner with my partner in a small Italian restaurant in Amstelveen. Next to us was a couple with their child. They did not talk that much to each other, but we heard the constant beep of a Blackberry. For a moment I thought it was the teen keeping her peers posted about the dinner with her parents. However, it was her mother. ‘Mum can I have a subscription?’ Her mother shook her head, while she was pinging. Desert was served; mum took a bite and was preparing to leave. ‘Mum, mum, please stay …’ Mum seemed to want nothing but to leave for her appointment and she drives away. Shortly afterwards, the girl leaves with her father. That look on the little girl’s face I will never forget. She enjoyed being together with both her parents.

A child that can spend time with his or her separated parents wants – understandably – nothing else but being together with her parents and their full attention. Is it that hard to switch of completely or just the sound of your phone or Blackberry?

This article has been written for and published in Dutch on the Dutch online newspaper Dichtbij.nl on April 29, 2011

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

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