The beginning of acceptance

The next appointment has arrived. I take the file I have studied before and enter the meeting room. I see a broken woman. Of course not everyone is happy to join at the table to chit chat about their divorce, because they have both decided to divorce, but this woman touches me. Her grief is radiant and she is tired, completely worn out. He’ll join us in a minute. I ask her if she would like to drink something and if I can bring her husband something too. Tea is just fine, because they always drink tea. A can of water, glasses and a box of tissues on the table are waiting to be of any use today.

I come back into the meeting room and now her husband has arrived too. Unlike the woman he looks strong and very vital. Both of them are in their sixties. But this man has something special about him, he also touches me, but more powerful, more positive. Sometimes it just happens, you meet someone businesslike, but your inner self knows there is more than the eye sees. A meeting that is part of a greater plan.

We go through the documents and discuss the content. Many people I recommend that it is wise to share your built pension during marriage if you are married in a community of goods. Especially after a marriage of more than forty years, like in this case.

Every pension is built differently, so I advise clients to contact their pension fund(s) to find out what would be the best scenario for both of them and what the best wording should be in their settlement agreement, just to make sure that unnecessary troubles after divorce are prevented. Every pension fund, so it appears, has its own policy.

The man started to tell about the pension he used to build as a technical assistant. ‘Technical assistant? Aren’t you a pastor’ Yes, he was indeed also a pastor.  But when he was young he really wanted to study theology. His family could not finance his college, so he had to work until he was able to pay for it himself. But he wàs a pastor, not anymore. After the divorce he wanted to travel abroad to practice craniosacral therapy. ‘Cranio … what is that exactly?’ Proudly he starts explaining. He really wants to do this. However, his wife is looking worse.

We continue with the division of their enterprise. It’s a place where people come together and can attend spiritual workshops. While the husband is talking about the company, his wife starts to participate in the conversation with a smile. And then it snaps. Her eyes become wet, her breathing heavier en she can hardly express her words. I ask her if she would like to have a glass of water.

This woman seemed to have been carrying a lot on her shoulders for years. Married with a man who can speak with angels. She gave him the space to be who he is. Her parents in law preferred to keep it a secret, afraid for the reactions of the people in their area on the catholic countryside. She supported him when he was studying and took care of the family. She did not want to divorce, but he wanted to experience abroad and she did not. A life far away from her children and grandchildren was inconceivable. But she loved him enough to have him live that part of his life at an older age the way he wanted, without her. The tears came unstoppable. During her life this woman had been so busy pleasing everyone, making the lives of others as comfortable as possible, but she never thought for one second of herself. She was afraid, afraid of life after the divorce.

Women of my generation (late thirties, begin forties) are somewhat more flexible. Your happiness comes first and the rest will follow. Also after a divorce, a woman of my generation will take her lumps for a moment, but come out of it more powerful and self-aware.

This couple is from an older generation, where a woman takes care of her husband and family and the husband was making a living. A woman also taking care of herself, was often considered a ‘bad’ woman.

Like being guided by something powerful I said the following words to her: ‘You are a daughter, you are a sister, you are granddaughter, you are a wife, you are a mother in law, you are a grandmother and you always will be, but NOW is YOUR time, No one but you are the centre of YOUR life.’ I was startled for a moments, hearing these words come out of my mouth, but this look of gratitude in her husband’s eyes made me feel I did the right thing. She held my hands firmly and said: ’Thank you for your wise words.’

Afterwards I even received a heart-warming e-mail from them writing me that they experienced our conversation as very special and that I had been capable to make her realize how precious she is, not just for other, but also for herself. They thanked me for the space I gave them to be human with their strength and their vulnerability, despite my legal and businesslike approach to the divorce.

Signing the final settlement agreement happens to bring the divorce close to the reality in which partners will live as divorced partner. I was proud of myself for having guided someone to the beginning of acceptance of the divorce. That’s why I love doing what I do, people working things out together so they can separate together so each of them can move on, even at an older age.

This article has been published previously with consent of the involved parties on-line on Augustus 18,  2010

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

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