Amongst the many books I’ve read there are very few books that have had such a life-changing impact on people, because they changed the perspective on parts of life. The book I would like to recommend to you today, has done more than that. It’s been a huge wake up call. A change of perspective too yet one that spotted not hidden but neglected pain and tears covered with dust for decennia.
Before the pandemic, 5 in 100 adults was in an abusive relationship – a figure now estimated to be much higher. The author Craig Newman of this book was one of them. After over a decade in an abusive relationship, he left, taking his children with him – and he has used his expertise, contacts and professional experience to formulate a recovery plan to help not only him and his family, but the hundreds of clients and fellow survivors he has met since.
Get Out On Your Own Pace
While most stories share what happened in an abusive relationships and share how to get out of it, Newman manages to give the reader a breaking the cycle remedy. The book invites and welcomes by it’s simplicity in presentation and words. While some may love to read a book quickly, Get Out Get Love nurtures you with the wisdom to follow your own pace.
I already scheduled the amount of pages I was going to read before sharing my perspective about this book with you my dear readers. I picked this book, I believed it would help my audience and also my clients. Little did I know … . Going from page to page, from chapter to chapter it started to scratch a surface to chapters of my own, chapters I thought I had already dealt with properly. Like I wrote, I revisited these chapters and was able to get out of it. Before Getting Out to be able to Get Love, one needs to Get Insight. Newman provides three Acts of a roadmap towards Self-love.
Getting Insight
Getting Insight, the first act, is like the warm bath only a loving person could give. A space without judgment only understanding and the patience to explain how you got there. Waking you up in a sacred space, where there is no need to fear anymore as you are safe, Have you wondered why people can get hooked on abuse? Are you able to recognize abuse? Are you aware how abuse can shape your reality? Do you know how love should feel like so you know how it shouldn’t feel like?
‘What nobody ever tells you about abusive relationships is that you can be in one and not know it’.
New Friends
The second act was the act that detangled something within me. A huge profound reset, that made me become even more aware of any form of dissonance I would encounter afterwards. It was the second act that introduced me to some new friends. Well they’ve always been part of my life, yet it was only now I learned to see the value of having them as my friends. I’ve learned to comfort them when they would pop up and trigger me and my hurtful memories. My FOGS friends: Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame.
My FOGS friends absolutely cleaned house big time and swiftly. In my case I had to comfort Obligation and Guilt the most and tell them it’s safe for them to take the back seat together with the other two and that I would be the one behind the wheel from now on.
It may have become less crowded in my personal life and I am just fine with that. The freedom to be just me and be happy has only been a benefit to me in all fields of my life. I have forgiven myself for not having set boundaries sooner than I should have, I have forgiven myself for not sticking up for myself when I should have.
Forgiveness
I have even forgiven myself for making such lousy choices when it comes to partners and friends. I have forgiven myself to staying connected to someone for more 25 years. It was a ghost from the past who silently remained the captain of my heart. Before starting the GOGL journey I was always open to take care of unfinished business between us. I have finally been able to set myself free from this person who always got my understanding, my support and my love. All he did was abuse me in every way possible and all I could think of was ‘the goodness in him’. Now I know there are people in this world who will never apologize or talk things through to make amends, simply because they lack the proper capacity. So if you are waiting for someone to apologize and make amends, forgive them for they know not better, just soothe your FOGS friends and put them in the back seat, take over the wheel and start driving to your future of freedom and self-love.
Closure
And by writing this, I have recognized and soothed the most silent one of my FOGS friends: Shame. I am very aware of possible reactions to me sharing something personal, how this could make me look bad as a professional. Yet with Shame feeling safe on the back seat and me behind the wheel again, I can only say there is no need to feel any shame about sharing your abuse, no matter when it took place. It wil make you vulnerable yes, yet it will also be a testimony to your strength. Because to be carrying the abuse or just the painful memory of it requires strength. By sharing your story, you are releasing the invisible strings of the abuse and the abuser. Not by saying it was okay, but rather more like a statement that you are moving on, that you have moved on.
So while you are driving take a look every now and then in the rear end window: you’ll see the abuser with the abuse disappearing slowly but surely each time you get closer to self-love.
GOGL is also a digital journey – where there are over 30 hours of lessons and exercises spread over 6+ months – www.getoutgetlove.com
The UK government funded its creation and evaluation. I would love more governments all over the world to follow this example.
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Sunita loves to write to help couples and their children navigate divorce with care
About Sunita Changoe Sunita Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individuals. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com
For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Sunita Changoe by phone: +31 (0)6 8100 6515 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com
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Tara Mediation is about Creating space to move on 