Forgiveness is a response-ability

“To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest.” – Desmond Tutu

You know at least one person who has had their fair share in life: a difficult marriage, a divorce battle that cost a fortune, completely stripped by their ex and completely worn out at the end of the fight. In general a happening like that can mark a person physically, materially and spiritually.

The other day I bumped into an old client. The last time I saw her she was the kind of person which could fit the description above. The divorce battle had completely imbalanced her life. Bittered, miserable and depressed she literally was carrying her sad situation on her back and her divorce battle made her look ten years older. This time though, her radiant appearance took me by surprise. She looked well, walked straight and was centred. Compared to three years ago, she looked reborn. For a moment I thought she had done a detox-trip and had made daily meditation and yoga part of her life.

I was right; she did all three of them and more. Hardly anything she had built up during her career was left over after her divorce battle. She decided to invest the little that was left for the first time ever in herself and decided to do some inner research. A sabbatical gave her a possibility to make this spiritual journey. The initial goal was to meet her inner self. Beautiful places, extraordinary people and severe challenges paved her way to that encounter with her inner self.

The hardest challenge to overcome on her way to that desired meeting was the most painful at the same time: consciously forgive. Being able to consciously forgiving her ex took away the access for anger and hate. Consciously forgiving has turned her life a 180 degrees and has given her the power to move on as a divorced woman, even though she is still paying for a short remaining period of time half of the debts he made during their marriage without her knowledge of it.

For a long time forgiving has been considered a spiritual matter which could be found in the fields of theology and philosophy. The Aramaic word for ‘forgive’ (‘shbag’) literally means ‘to cancel, to let loose, or to untie’ and is considered a tool for changing a reality in your mind. But more than a decade forgiving has been subjected to research with respect to our mental and emotional well-being. A serious scientific study on forgiveness has provided an abundance of evidence with developed research programs and studies that forgiveness is not only important for spiritual growth but also for our mental an physical health and that forgiveness has a major added value for a healthier, happier and longer life.

It seems that not creating space for forgiving but space created to not forgive is being used to hold on to damaging and pain and continuously reliving it so your whole essence is absorbed with it. Not being able to forgive provides ground for hostility, distrust, cynicism, embitterment, resentment and revenge. Only mentioning, seeing or thinking about the person who has caused the damage and pain is like a red rag to a bull.

As a response the amygdale produces stress hormones to prepare the fight or flee reaction. The level of these stress hormones maintains high as long as the thoughts and feelings of not forgiving insist. In this condition not forgiving becomes an energy and joy eating negative life energy, by choosing to focus on the pain of the past. A condition like this causes innumerable health problems varying for a low immune system, serious heart diseases, high blood pressure, asthma, depression, mental illnesses and prematurely aging.

The good news is that the power to forgive can break this downward spiral and can provide space to heal emotionally and physically.

Forgiveness is a response-ability, the best answer you can give yourself.

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)6 – 81006515 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

Would you like to use this article for a magazine, newsletter or on a website? That is possible, provided that the following information with an active link to the website mentioned is included: “By Su Changoe from Tara Mediation. For more information visit her website: www.taramediation.com.”

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Top managers and directors – information meeting about divorce/separation

The role of women in non-Western cultures I often see in my practice. Submissive, silenced, fear for the judgement of their community but mainly and especially hardly or not at all informed. They nod at any remark, don’t ask questions and sign when the husband also signs.
Please note, I am not only talking about women with an Islamic background, but women from abroad who have been living in The Netherlands for years, seem to be bound to their house and are now familiar with their rights and duties in the Dutch society. From this experience an idea came to meet this target group and provide them with information about their rights and duties in case of divorce/separation.

In 2011  I had the opportunity to provide an information meeting to non-Dutch speaking women in the Buurtkamer in Amstelveen.

I had been busy making a PowerPoint-presentation. The evening before the meeting I decided not to use the PowerPoint-presentation. I realised that to a major part of these non-Dutch speaking visitors the terms I use could be too complicated and that in their culture of origin the transfer of knowledge mostly happens in a way of community communication.

A large table, with coffee, tea and cookies was prepared when I arrived. With a Pakistani volunteer I discussed the story the writer Fatima Bhutto told the day before during the Women’s Conference Europe about the Hudood Ordinance in Pakistan that causes severe perilous situations for a major part of the female population of Pakistan.

Rape during marriage or before marriage is considered a crime according the Hudood Ordinance, namely as adultery or as sex before marriage. A woman can evade imprisonment if she has four pious men as a witness. This impossible requirement causes thousands women to live in prison. These women do not go to prison alone, they have to take their children with them. A British research shows that these children grow up in abominable circumstances and that child abuse in prison should not be excluded. For a Dutch woman like me it is unimaginable that in 2011 women somewhere else in the world are being given such a humanly disgraceful role.

Meanwhile many women have taken place at the large table. To my surprise the attendance was big. Alternately they tell the group, who they are, where they come from and what moved them to come to this meeting. The majority of the interested women come from the Middle East. The women are mostly housewife or mother. I tell them they are in fact top managers. To most of the women these words change their humble attitude into a proud attitude, straight back, chin up and shoulders back. I bridge their versatile origin by stating we are all women. All of us have the same physical features; we all have our monthly periods with the mood swings to come with it for free, we all know what it is like to become a mother, to be a mother or not having the richness of motherhood.

The note books and pens coming out after the introduction seem to expect a lot of information about divorce and separation according to Dutch law.

Especially the part about to child and partner alimony causes a lot of emotions to some women. It is not really the money, but the fact that they as a woman with child(ren) are being excluded from the community with all the financial consequences because of that. They feel abandoned, banished, and worthless. From all sides excuses are being given to maintain their role as a victim. ‘Yes but my ex-husband has hurt me so much but I always talk about him in a good way to my daughter.’ I try to make her turn it around ‘It is your daughter. And you can go to your ex husband and thank him for your daughter. Bring a thank you flower along and tell him you want to talk about child alimony.’

Ofcourse I know it is easier said than done, but I explain them they have choices, that life is like a movie and that they are the director. The movie can as beautiful as would like it to be. This insight hits purpose, all of them want to become a director of their own life.

I reassure the lady who has not been able to smile because of the pain in her heart caused by the divorce. She has all the right in the world to be sad. A divorce happens to be a process of mourning after all, it takes time to heal. Radiant of self confidence she gives a hand, she is considering to by a flower for her ex.

This article has been written for and  published on the Dutch online newspaper Dichtbij.nl on December 5, 2011

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

Would you like to use this article for a magazine, newsletter or on a website? That is possible, provided that the following information with an active link to the website mentioned is included: “By Su Changoe from Tara Mediation. For more information visit her website: www.taramediation.com.”

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