When parents are leaving the nest

If parents divorce, a parenting plan with respect to their mutual minor children is required according to Dutch law as per March 1^st, 2009.
At least the following subjects need to be agreed upon:

• the way the parents divide their tasks with respect to childcare and upbringing or the relation  between the child and the parents;
• the way the parents inform and consult each other about import matters relating to the person and the asset of the minor children;
• the cost of care and upbringing of the minor children.

The most common situation is a minor child having his main residence at one parent, who has the major part of upbringing and is spending for example every two weeks or each weekend with the other parent.

More and more practice shows the application of co-parenting. Both parents take care of their minor child for about fifty percent of their time. In a way the child is commuting between two houses. The minor child has his own room in each house. Because of co-parenting the ex-parents live close to each other for their minor child, just to make sure the external circumstances (i.e. school, sport, friends, etc) remain the same as much as possible.

Another form which is less frequently applied is bird nesting. Imagine, minor chickens in a nest and alternately papa bird or mama bird flies in to feed the chickens and take care of them.

In practice, with this form of co-parenting the minor child most of the time has his main residence in the parental house and the parents come and stay alternately to take care of the children. Parents who prefer bird nesting, often see this solution as the best option to leave the minor child in his situation he is used to, somewhat comparable to the reasons for co-parenting. The difference is that the home initially built at the beginning of their marriage/relationship is being preserved as much as possible. The parents do not wish to continue together, live together and leave the nest and only come back alternately to do their shift of parenting.

Bird nesting is very child oriented, focused on the needs of the minor child. The children can proceed their lives in their familiar home-surroundings. Other than commuting between two houses, bird nesting reduced problems like forgetting home work, toys, clothes et cetera at the other parents’ house. This form of co-parenting enhances the child’s sense of sensibility. From my point of view, the most important thing is that parents have less difficulty commuting between houses than their children, feeling like a Frisbee between two houses.

Parents take turns like they have agreed upon and have settled in a parenting plan. This could be that dad is with them for one week and mum the following week. But it is also possible in shifts; one week the nightshift, one week the dayshift or the weekend shift.

On the other side bird nesting is considered expensive. It is about budgeting three houses. It is of crucial importance that the parents maintain a decent and friendly relationship, despite the divorce/separation. The relationship between the parents needs to be free of conflict for their child’s best interest. Parents need to be capable to communicate well and decide together to keep it practical. A third party like a relation expert or a mediator at the side line in case of bird nesting is not uncommon and definitely not redundant. One should also take into account a possible new partner. A new relation can be influenced by bird nesting, whether you want it or not. Good and clear agreements on this also need to be made between the parents.

House rules could cause some problems. Even though bird nesting has been chosen as a new form of family life like to minimize the damage a divorce can cause, one should not think too lightly about house rules. It is very important for children that parents share the same vision on house rules, so the switch of parents and their rules cannot be experienced as disruptive.

So bird nesting could be an option for divorced/separated parents. Taking all benefits and disadvantages into account, a good and communicative relationship is an essential requirement as well as in case of co-parenting and when a child lives with one of the parents is. It is this requirement that contributes to a successful proceeding of parenting after divorce/separation.

This article has been written for and published on the Dutch online newspaper Dichtbij.nl on May 7, 2011

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

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