Relationships are seldom ended without any emotional outburst. Especially when one of the partners is not ready for a separation yet, pain and disappointment can be worded anyway but in an understanding and businesslike way. Let me share with you 7 tips to not get carried away by someone else’s emotions.
It is of major importance to stick to your core, to your self. You and your partner have shared a life for better and worse. You of all people know exactly where to find the green and red buttons in each other and what can happen when those buttons are pushed.
Leave others out
Don’t allow others in your environment to involve. When a relationship is not as smooth as one would desire, it can be a relief to share your pain and disappointments with others. Just as easy a divided camp of friends and family can be manifested. When you are approached with sincerely good intentions, thank them and ask them kindly to give the both of you space and time to solve this together and if necessary with an impartial third party. Anyone close to the both of you has colored perspective.
Separating with care and respect as an objective
De-coupling requires time and space, one can deal with it more easily than another. Moreover when one is further in the process of separating because he or she was the one taking the initiative to separate and the other just had this initiative presented. Some to see the separation coming, most people don’t. Inform yourself about what is required to separate in concise and respectful way and share this information at a moment which suits you both.
Also known as emo-control. Emotions are allowed to be part of a separation. It’s not like a salt and pepper set being separated. Make room for emotions for both of you. Accept and respect those emotions.
Also angry e-mails, mad phone calls can pass in review during a separation as expressions of emotions. Do you notice the person on the other side is angry. Acknowledge his or her anger as an expression of disappointment and propose to talk to continue the conversation when the other has calmed down. ‘I understand you are feeling disappointment right now. I would love to listen to what you have to say. Let’s talk when you’ve calmed down.’ For some people this kind of understanding can be a reason to even get madder. When that happens, ask your partner to write everything down and tell him or her you will read it and get back to it when required. Often just addressing frustration and pain to the paper has enough cleansing effect to get it out of her or his system.
Seeing each other
When you decide to see each other to talk about the separation, make sure you do it on neutral territory, plan a time slot and inform each other about the topics you’d like to run through. Sounds quite businesslike, but in a coffee bar, a restaurant or any other public place one is more inclined to practice emo-management, discuss the topics you’ve agreed upon to discuss within the time scheduled for this. If seeing each other is not something you’re ready for, e-mail might be an option, provided it happens in a respectful way.
Deactivate your red button
Also here, stay centered, stick to your core. He or she knows your red button, knows exactly which red rags to throw at you. Take a step back, make sure you have some daily distraction and get back to it when your head is clear. No one has ever been able to see his own reflection in pot of boiling water.
About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com
For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)6 8100 6515 or e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com
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